still here

happy panamanian mothers´day to all of you who are mothers. maybe i will have more pictures later... my camera is being replaced (thank you mom). Thank you to all who have sent letters, packages, and emails. I realize it´s mostly a one way street because i hardly write or call... but I think of you all alot.

Whats been happening... the rains have stopped, for good. I can probably expect the water to go out soon, I´ll be carrying water up the mountain to my house. It might be fun though, communal bathing and clothes washing. I have been keeping busy, if not out there working then in there (meaning my head) working even harder. It has been incredibly intense, often leaving me with the desire to call this whole thing off. If life is so hard, why not spend every moment with the people that you love? But it´s giving me ample opportunity to work out some personal issues... exsorcising AND exercising personal demons.

I think I am going to start putting my efforts towards creating a presentation and documents about the use and disposal of agrochemicals. People here use herbicide bottles as coffee containers, and dont use equipment like masks and gloves. I went to fertilize beans several nights ago. I didn´t have gloves but I figured that one time for a couple of hours wouldnt be too bad. The chemicals acutally burned holes through several spots of my skin on my hands. DONT WORRY. I´m getting gloves today. But imagine, I was out there once for 4hrs. They have been doing it for days. You should see their blistered hands. Tomorrow I am meeting with the man who supplies my grains group with a mico loan in the form of herbicides and pesticides. I am going to try and see if I can convince him to throw in some masks and gloves for free. He should not be selling one without the other. I´ve been doing some research on the chemicals used in my site. Most say to avoid the fumigated area for 24 hrs. Yestereday I walked along a trail a good distance from a farm where a man was spraying fertilizer. The wind was blowing and it brought that summery smell across the valley to where I was walking. He wore no mask, no gloves, and shortsleves... I watched as his 6-year old daughter navigated her way barefoot through the sprayed plants to take him coffee.

I had a visit from an old childhood aquaintance the other day. It was unexpected. I had gone to visit José, my favorite coffee producer. He lives at the bottom of a pretty intense hill in a house that is really just a zinc roof. I was holding his young grandkid on my lap when the kid pulled something out of his pocket and placed it on my knee. Our eyes met, mine and the toy´s that is. It took a moment before I realized... ¨Mr. California Raisin? Is that you?¨ I asked in english. I picked him up and looked at the bottom of his once white shoe. Copyright 1987. Sure was. ¨wow,¨ I looked at the family. ¨Una pasita de California!¨ ¨No,¨ they hurried to correct me, ¨It´s a little frog.¨ I didn´t argue. The raisin and I looked at eachother knowingly. Here, raisins don´t have legs, arms and gaunty circa 1980 sunglasses. We both knew how far he´d come - from the greasy cardbord confines of a McDonalds Happy Meal to a moldy pocket in the Comarca Ngabe- Bugle. That´s all that mattered.

You must forgive me! These are the things of which I am inspired to write about these days. keeps things interesting. Not quite as intersting, perhaps as the rat that chewed its way through my mosquite net (not my fortress! No!) to shit on my pillow and sit on my head. That has made things intersting. My view on rat poison changed in an instant. Prepárate para morir!

Much love, smell some pine trees and eat a candy cane for me!